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13 Funny Fortune Cookie Fails

Cracking open a crunchy fortune cookie and finding out our inevitable future should the highlight of a Chinese meal. Typed on tiny strips of paper, these messages are supposed to leave us feeling optimistic about ourselves, even after gorging on moo shu pork and fried rice.

While some fortunes aren’t even fortunes at all – “Your Heart is Bigger Than Your Brain” is more of a back-handed statement, really – others don’t even attempt to be polite or make sense.

Take a look at some of the funniest fortunes people have found in their takeout dessert. No need to add “in bed” at the end of these fortunes – they're weird enough as they are.


1.  Talk to the Teeth

Image via BuzzFeed

Um... what? Unless that message is "you need to floss," in which case my teeth are probably correct.


2.  Roses are... Gold?

Image via BuzzFeed

False: I want roses, and I want jewelry made from 24-karat gold, but never both at the same time. Also, for true love send diamonds. Everybody knows that.


3. The Weather Report

Image via College Humor

Thanks! Except if it's raining -- then you made me leave the house without an umbrella, you liar. 


4. Backwards to the Future?


Image via BuzzFeed

I'm sure there's some sort of deep message hidden in here, but all I can think about is Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd trying to put the DeLorean in reverse and failing miserably. 


5. The Mind Reader


Image via College Humor

For once, a fortune cookie is actually accurate. 


6. Double Trouble

Image via BuzzFeed

But what about my strong nature? Is it strong, too?


7. The Health Nut

Image via BuzzFeed

Look, if this is some sort of eye roll at the 118th time I've said "I'm going on a diet," I'm actually for real going on a diet this time. After I finish that fifth crab rangoon. 


8. Party in the USA

Image via Reddit

At least something we consume still is. #Boom #Merca


9. Marriage, as Told by Cookies

Image via College Humor

Probably the truest statement on this list. It also means you get sent roses that you can't even enjoy because they are preserved in 24-karat gold, so that's a plus. 


10. The Self-Obsessed Cookie


Image via College Humor

OK, a) I don't like it when my desserts are so controlling, and b) I'm not sure how to let my Magic 8 Ball down gently. 


11. One Man's Trash...


Image via Reddit

If this is supposed to be some sort of "one's man's trash is another man's treasure" idiom, then you're wrong because people don't eat water lilies. Or trash. 


 12. Procrastination Station

Image via College Humor

For once, a fortune cookie that actually understands me.


13. I put the "Zzz" in Lazy

Image via College Humor

I need my sleep too, but I'm pretty sure catching some shut-eye on the job is a fireable offense. 


Looking for some fortune cookies that are actually inspriring? Personalize your own Gigantic Fortune Cookie from 1-800-Baskets.com and send to someone extra special!

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Meet our Writer
Jennifer Geddes
Celebrations Writer

Jennifer Kelly Geddes has hosted Christmas cookie swaps, New Year's open houses, Thanksgiving for 22, and all manner of dinner parties in her Manhattan and Ghent, NY homes.

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