A Mom's Christmas Wishlist to Santa

Dear Santa,

I’ve been mostly good this year.  I’ve only lost my temper a few times, and kept the swearing to a minimum. This wish list may be a little more challenging to fill than most.  I’ve always known you to come through for those who deserve it, Santa, because your magic is real. Here is my Christmas list for 2012:

1. I’d like Mrs. Garrett, Carol Brady, Shirley Partridge and Marion Cunningham on standby so I can go to them when I need advice, or at the very least, send my children to them when they ask those sticky questions. 

2. A fairy godmother to clone me so I can be in multiple places at one time.

3. I’d like a magic button to rewind time. That way, I can go back unstick the foot that frequently inhabits my mouth.  

4. Speaking of buttons - I’d like one of those Jetsons-like contraptions where at the press of a button, a fresh, hot meal emerges.

5. A transporter. I’d like to beam myself instantly from one place to another, such as from the kitchen sink to the 50% off sale at Macys. Just make sure it’s the one from Star Trek and not the one from Spaceballs. I want all my body parts in place when I arrive at my destination.

6. A magic wand. Do I even have to explain?

7. Mr. Belvedere. I would like his tea-sipping, bow-tie-wearing, British-accented antics to fill my home and share uplifting stories with my children. His presence would serve as a balance against morally bankrupt TV shows such as Jersey Shore and 16 and Pregnant. And if he cooked a few meals and cleaned a few rooms while he was here, that would be okay, too.

8. I’d like to reincarnate John D. Rockefeller and Sir Issac Newton to discuss their genius. I’d propose we find a way to apply Rockefeller’s money-making strategies to Newton’s theory of gravity to allow cash to fall effortlessly into my wallet.

9. A remote with a live auto-mute option. I’d use it on those who ramble aimlessly during meetings, those who complain excessively, and those with potty mouths when in the presence of my children.

10. And finally, I’d be willing to forgo items 1-9 if you filled my final request.  I’d like safe, warm, loving homes for all children so that they may enjoy the blissful yet fleeting moments of their youth, especially at Christmas time.

I know this list is hefty, but I still believe. And for your efforts, I promise to leave those special cookies you like so much, and instead of milk this year, I’m leaving you an ice cold beer.